The Mystery of It All, Or, What's Weight Got to Do with Writing?

I think that I will start using one of the steps of EG's process, and start keeping a journal of my writing. In her book she mentions that while writing a new novel, she not only keeps a journal, but that every morning, she rereads part of the journal she kept for the previous book. It reminds her that she has gone through this process, and overcome the same sorts of problems, before.

I think for me, if I journal about the day's writing that I plan to do, that I will be able to warm up my brain, get into writing mode, and possibly use this forum to work through some of the problems that seem to stop me from writing at all.

I've tried the breaking it down into small pieces thing--it helps, but not enough. I've tried to just start...you know, when some writing tomes say you're not a writer if you avoid it. (I'm talking about Becoming a Writer by Dorothea Brande. I HATE that book. I DO NOT recommend it. It's written by one of those writers that want to keep writing an exclusive club.)

One reason I love Ralph Key's The Courage to Write so much is that it shares so many stories of very good, very famous writers who have trouble with writing. One writer had his butler lock him in his office (outside of his home) with no clothes! Now, that's incentive to get your pages done. Write x number of pages today, or never come out, unless you want to walk down the street naked. Of course, I don't make enough money to pay for an outside office, much less pay someone to lock me in without my clothes.

I hope by the time I do make enough money with my writing that I won't still need someone to lock me in!

Right now, I'm struggling with my memoir for my creative non-fiction class. I'm scared to write it, for the only thing I've thought to write about is my relationship with food and my body. And let me tell you, it's a pretty twisted relationship. Anorexics get all the attention--poor things, they have a disease. Fat people are just jeered at and blamed for their own poor health. I'm overweight. I'm not as fat as some people, but according to the weight tables of the Centers for Disease Control, I'm obese. (Don't know how, when I'm 5'4" and less than 200 pounds. I wear either a size 14 or 16. But whatever.) The problem is that I've always had trouble with body image. I thought I was fat when I wasn't. I thought I was fat when I wore a size 8, and then a size 10...See where this is leading?

So now that I do have more weight on me, I hate my body even more. So writing an honest memoir about it is difficult. I don't even know how to end it. People want uplifting, triumph of the spirit endings, but I still wrestle with my weight and my body image, just like I wrestle with my writing. My teacher said I needed a resolution whether triumph or despair. It can't be triumph, or I'd be healthier. It's not despair either, since I refuse to just quit and gain more weight. So where's my ending?

Honesty is hard. And confusing. Just like I don't understand why I have to wrestle with my creativity, I don't understand why I wrestle with my weight. I know that I'd be healthier if I ate less and exercised more (especially the exercise more part). I know that I'd be a better writer if I wrote more...so why do I find my mind blocking both of these things?

A mystery still to be solved.